Smells Like Garbage!

Wednesday, June 13th, 2012 10:17 pm[personal profile] harp
harp: (Fear of Dark)
This is a reply to a friend's entry about the "book" series Fifty Shades of Twatlight Fanfiction written by a Despie Loser For Whom the Guillotine Would Be Too Swift. I mean Fifty... no. Not going to sully my page by writing that here.

For those of you familiar with the BS series 50SoG, I encourage you to comment with your thoughts on the series. A good long cathartic complaint.


Oh, juvenile?! The immaturity of this book went beyond the "sex" scenes. Isn't it weird that I somwhow managed to be equally annoyed by this? I must count the ways.

1. That line where he tells her how much money he makes. "I make a thousand dollars a minute" or someshyte like that? That doesn't even sound like something twelve year old me would write in some of my most flaggarantly self indulgent Team Rocket fanfiction. Even I knew better!

2.The line he has about "my mother was a crackwhore, go to sleep." Alright, if that was supposed to be unintentionally hilarious then maybe. This book is so bad that I don't even want to give it the dignity of suggesting that the crackwhore line was explaining that the crack affected him in the uterus, so his behavior is due to crack interfering with his brain development.

3. The use of the f-word. I'm about to remind myself of Mrs. Doyle (TV show "Father Ted"):

"Well, I'm very surprised to hear that, father. I didn't think you'd like that sort of thing. I read a bit of one of them once. God, I couldn't finish it. The language, unbelievable!"

"It's a bit gritty, but that's the modern world, Mrs. Doyle."

"Ah, it's a bit much for me, father. "Feck" this and "feck" that. "You big bastard". Oh, dreadful language! "You big hairy arse", "You big fecker". Fierce stuff! And of course, the f-word, father, the bad f-word. Worse than "feck" - you know the one I mean. "Eff you". "Eff your 'effin' wife". Oh, I don't know why they have to use language like that. "I'll stick this 'effin' pitchfork up your hole", oh, that was another one, oh, yes! "Bastard" this and "bastard" that, you can't move for the bastards in her novels! It's wall-to-wall bastards! "You bastard!" You fecker!" "You bollocks!" "Get your bollocks out of my face!" It was terrible."


El Terardo (that's what I'm calling E.L because the name "James" is very near and dear to me and I won't use it on that useless woman) uses that word like a 90's sixth grader who just discovered the internet. What was that one thing he said? "Stop biting you mouth or I'll f*ck it" he said? Is that supposed to be sexy? 'Cause it sounds like Bevis and Butthead tried to write a sex novel. I'm not trying being facetious; that's the caliber of this immaturity. "You have such beautiful breasts Ana. One day I'll f*ck them" Does he keep talking like this? Reminds me of background boy 2 in every first panel of this Storyline of Sexy Losers his dialogue keeps getting more and more gratuitous to the point where it's literally incomprehensible nonsense. Neveryoumind how I know this, but I swear, even the "writer" LurkingDragon (whom you can just tell writes his rough drafts one-handed if you know what I mean), in his most these-sexy-words-aren't-doing-it-for-me-anymore-and-the-solution-is-MORE-SEXY-WORDS and I'm-just-trying-to-cram-in-one-more state was better written than this. And that's really saying something about El Terardos' work when it's comparable to the self indulgence of ol' Lurky Dee.

4. (This might not be a legit conplaint but lookit all the effs I give) Ana being 21. I'm sorry but that just smecked of the author pining to be younger and live out the older man/younger woman trope, er, I mean fantasy. There's an equation for this, you know: Character age x (the situation + actions and decision making process taken in response) divided by the author's age = self indulgence percentage.

In this case, El Dumbass doesn't realize how unlikely all this shit is and you get the sense that if she could have gotten away with it she'd make Ana 18. She obviously went with 21 because it was "old enough to be legal-ish and just barely scraping onto the "plausible" scale with the stuff she had, but not quite old enough for her to be taken seriously as an adult". TELL ME I'M WRONG.

Maybe it's just my shaky grasp on the real world, but it looks to me like she's really disproportionate in where she's put together and where she's no brighter than a box of rocks. A box of rocks that's oh, also a never-been-kissed virgin? That kills me. Dear E.L Despie, has it been that long (both since your first time and since you got any) that you think the deflowering is really that good or have you been watching too many teen romance movies? Seriously? Especially with a totally incompetent partner? Again, I don't have a positive frame of reference [1] and I'm probably way out of bounds saying this, but seriously, I don't think That First Time is all flower petals and romance music and Artful Edits. Reminds me of what someone wrote in a deleterius entry about the ignorance of some (not all) young writers: "Yes, because as an "unripped" virgin, that's what you want: the world's biggest cock knockin' on your downstairs door."

I'll give the summary of 9 1/2 weeks a read. For my money, and this is bias as f*ck, my all time favorite bdsm book was the one a really nice soldier recommended to me when I was in 11th grade- The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty[2]. I remember with pristine clarity being in my school uniform and taking the book out in the car to sneak a look at the first page, turning it and being surprised that there was sex on the second page. Must have been like Margaret Cho's mother. "It was just ass right away! I wasn't ready for that! I thought there'd be table of contents, then ass!"

But that book is great. As though I have to list its virtues. I will anyway- the setting is beautiful (velvet coverlets, dirt paths, knights, princesses, candelabras, stone floors) the language is classy (except partway through, she switches from the P-word to the rooster-word for the male reproductive part) there are male and females on both the dominant and submissive side, and everyone is bisexual to the point where (and this is amazing to see, but you have to read the book to fully get what an impact it has) there is literally no such thing as gay/straight. Everyone unhesitatingly gets off with anyone who catches their fancy. Or, for the subs, whoever starts their engine. Here I am a male slave, oh this guy is sticking it in me, HOT OH YEAH, oh this lady wants to fuck me OH YEAH HOT, another lady? OH YEAH HOT, her husband wants in? HOT HOT HOT. See how seamlessly bisexuality flows in this world? A woman slave could be getting the business from five guys in a row and displaying utter love for them and then one female comes along and instantly she's displaying love and admiration for that female's femininity, too. And it's like that with everyone in the book. Finally, even though it's fucked up, it's not the imitable kind of fucked up. Even the most mind-numbingly stupid 50SoG fan who reads this wouldn't be able to hurt themselves with this book because the fairytale setting plus the medieval motif plus the way the slave system is set up makes it clear that this is a fairytale kingdom where this is how things work out, so unless they want to build a time machine or go find a real life prince, this book won't directly cause bad BDSM relationships the way SoG could/will. It's pure fantasy and it doesn't hesitate to remind.

Which is why it pisses me off that the readers of this pos are acting like its good and innovative and the first thing EVAR. I know theyre just too stupid to know better, but... its like watching people eating twinkiez that fell on the floor and got stepped on and declaring "this is the best thing ever!!!" and i'm over here with Cheesecake Factory vanilla cheesecake with truffles and delicate fudge design on a silver plate like "you fecking dumbasses! Oh GOD YOU IDIOTS!

**For the rest of my F-List's Humor** Worse, there are people who actually have the nerve, the f**king nerve, Catflappo, to get all soap-boxy indignant omgpersecutionnn when people call the book shyte. No, I mean it. (Warning: the following quote from fiftyshadesanonymous.tumblr contains life-threatening levels of stupid):

"I wish everyone would quit wincing every time Fifty Shades is mentioned.
Yes, I believe everyone gets that the book explores things outside of our everyday-sexual-box… but could we please grow up? Stop trying to defend that you are some innocent prude. I bet you dream about Grey’s kinky fuckery all the time."

#Look out! We got ourselves a badass over here! #OOOH I'M SO EDGY! #One Book Expert #I can't; I'm Done #Silence, Noob, lest my brick find the back of your head #Seriously, someone needs to go up one side of your head and down the other

But I cannot with the "50SoG is worse than Twilight" (grammar for emphasis). I just can't bring myself to accept that I live in a world where a "worse than Twilight" can exist, therefore, I assert that Twilight still is the worst thing. Because Twilight spawned this... this. Without it, this would just be another "blah" horrid fanfic or airport smut book. But this is a fusion of that and the horror of 'light. So in a way, Twatlight's still the worst thing in the world, and SoG is just adding tacky mud flaps and neon undersiding for optimal viewing of the ugliness even when its dark and truck n-- well, you know.

Again, there's no real good way to look at it. I've just blinded us with vinegar. Marginally better still counts as "better"!

[1] Depending 100% on your personal dictionary, that is. This tapestry in the Harp's Life series is M.C Escher levels of technicalities, believe me.
*My friendship with that guy makes me super happy that El Despie is not authoring my life. Then again, if she was, she'd probably have me in a sari the whole time and have a subplot about an arranged marriage. Tres Moron!

Date: Thursday, June 14th, 2012 02:29 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] theonlymeyouget.livejournal.com
Hate to tell you this, but your rage borked your tags. S'okay, though, I can read it.

Yes yes YES. I hate - OMG HATE - the "beautiful loss of virginity" bullshit.

My first time... wasn't traumatic. And I think that's about as good as anyone can hope for. Even if you totes love your partner (and I'll assume a cis male/cis female relationship here because that's what's in the book and what we're talking about, though of course there are many ways to have a "first time" as there are people and relationships) it's gonna hurt her like hell and he's going to not have any clue what he's doing, and then last 2.6 seconds when he figures it out.

THAT'S HOW IT GOES.

And then you'll lay there, awkwardly, not saying anything or talking about inanity until one of you can't stand the awkward anymore and gets dressed.

But seriously. Don't insult Beavis and Butthead like that. I think even THEY could do a better job.

Date: Thursday, June 14th, 2012 02:49 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] harpsi-fizz.livejournal.com
Yep; fixed it a few moments after posting.

Two people on ONTD Had the most LOarious little conversation about the book:
Person #1- I love how fanfic writers hand out female orgasms like flyers.
Person #2- Or like they're on Oprah.
Person #1- Everybody gets an orgasmmmm! YOU get an orgasm! And YOU get an orgasm!

An RP characters finally smacked me in the head last year with the realization that there is too much romanticizing of virgin!sex (or as she called it "clumsy backseat fumbling half attempts to fall ass-backwards into an orgasm") and that it's not all it's cracked up to be. I think the entry predates our friending (http://harpsi-fizz.livejournal.com/33782.html) , but [livejournal.com profile] barsukthom was there for the wickedness. And he's good fun.
/Totes Bias

Date: Thursday, June 14th, 2012 03:11 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] theonlymeyouget.livejournal.com
OMG that wins everything.

Everything ever.

That's another problem I have with fiction (though I'm guilty of it because really... the frustrating flame-outs aren't that hot to read) - ORGASMS FOR EVERYONE!!!

Now, cis-men generally have it easier. But the older a guy gets, he isn't always exactly ready to go every time the wind hits him, if you know what I mean. Not saying there's necessarily any dysfunction or pathology going on, guys just level off. Which I am TOTES OK WITH. Even still, there have been times when, the guy I was with, it just wasn't happening for. And that's fine. They're people too. They get sick, tired, drunk, distracted, and everyone likes something different.

It's not just ZOMG WOMAN IN THE ROOM and that's all it takes.

Not unless he's, like, 16. In which case, DNW anyway. Even if I was still 16. Men ARE like fine wine. MUCH better with age.

Then again I'm put together wrong there too. Without a special showing of TMI theater, I like men. And I like doing... stuff... with men. The Main Event, though? Never held much appeal. It really REALLY depends on the person and the situation.

And he is good fun. He's the friend I should have had long before I did.

Date: Thursday, June 14th, 2012 10:46 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] harpsi-fizz.livejournal.com
Is that the Ace flag or the Demi? Looks like the demi. Iunno if you knew that I was an A (aaayyy /Fonz) too but I am. Even so, we can TMI together. No real such thing as TMI on my LJ. If you feel like you revealed too much, just say the word and I'll Friends-lock any entry; I don't mind.

Is it too pretentious to ask if cispeople doing cishetero stuff means stickitinnus has to be classified as TheOneTrueThingErrybodyWants? Please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong- I have no idea and so I ask. I ask because the world seems obsesswd with penetration. Its like "if you got something it means you wanna stick it in something" and "having a hole, means you wanna have it filled". And while that's certainly true of some people (maybe a lot of people even) it's a little... well, not "dangerous" but misleading. TMI!Time: It kinda sucked being told for 22 years that penetration is the ultimate pleasure, that if you have a hole, to have it filled is the best feeling, if you have a hole, you WANT it filled. It lead to trying with a few people, waiting for it to feel good, not seeing what the big deal was, discussing it later (with friends) and being told "just wait, you'll like it"... then trying again. Kinda sad to think about it now. That having at it, the whole time hoping "please let this be the magic time when I actually enjoy this".

I'm not saying that everyone should take every single possible situation into account when telling a story, no way! To do that would be damaging because there are times when you're telling a story just for one group, and even if that group is the majority, they still deserve to have "exclusively for me" time. But there's a difference between "this is my story" and "there is nothing else". A tricky difference, to be sure. I'm still trying to work out the differences, and I'll always take it case-by-case.

Happier note: this gives me an idea for a trait of an RP character- a straight cis-dude who doesn't really like stickin' it. Likes sex but isn't a big fan of that part. Hah, he'll joke that "my dick's claustrophobic!"

Really, though, it's good to hear that you found a friend and partner who understands your personal needs and can act accordingly. World needs more of that. More of that as well as more understanding that "even if your partner has always wanted X but one day spontaneously tries Y and likes it, it doesn't mean your partner will always want Y."

Date: Thursday, June 14th, 2012 11:07 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] theonlymeyouget.livejournal.com
Ace flag. Demis have a flag? Because that's really what I am. Although, while demisexuality is not THE SAME AS asexuality, I consider it a subset. Others feel differently, and that's cool. I didn't know that you were as well. *brofist*

So - and forgive me being confused but you seem pretty open so I'll just ask - are you transmale or cis male? Not that it matters, obvs, I just want the right info.

All right - TMI time it is! And no, I don't mind. I'm pretty open about stuff like that, as long as people are comfy talking about it. Everybody has a body, right?

There are rare occasions where, to be completely blunt, I just want to be shoved up against a wall. But... I'm more... and I don't even know the word - cerebralsexual/aestheticsexual. If I connect with someone mentally, I find them more attractive, and even people I'm attracted to purely physically, it's like looking at a sculpture. You want to look at and touch the sculpture, know its curves and its textures and experience it with your senses... but that doesn't mean you wanna fuck it.

[Let's not count that one myth, OK?]

I'm much more a frottage person than a sticking anything anywhere person. Which I have done. Might even do again. I don't hate it, there's just other things I much PREFER to do if doing anything along those lines.

It seems like penetrative sex IS the Holy Sexual Grail for most people. Like you haven't really done ANYTHING until you've done THAT. Or people who have given and received oral and every other thing wouldn't be calling themselves "virgins". Because sweetie, chugging nut ain't virginal (I'm so ladylike, no?). I don't think Mother Theresa could suck a golf ball through a garden hose, ifyouknowwhatimean.

I think there are many ways to be sexual and as long as no one gets hurt and everyone consents, no way is wrong. From my perspective, I think it's rather pragmatic - if I wanna get off, I have a mind and a hand and I can guaran-damn-te I'm better at it than ANYONE else. I've had 20+ years of experience and I know exactly what I want. But, you can't really make out with yourself, now, can you?

I'm completely unattached at the moment and infinitely happier that way in the long run. I can't relationships.

Date: Thursday, June 14th, 2012 11:51 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] harpsi-fizz.livejournal.com
So - and forgive me being confused but you seem pretty open so I'll just ask - are you transmale or cis male? Not that it matters, obvs, I just want the right info.
I am a totally lesbian-shaped dude. :) (Trans, that is, though I've been mostly kicked out of the trans groups on LJ for "sympathizing with the enemy", meaning I don't buy into "DIE CIS SCUM". *Eyeroll* I still haven't looked up exactly what that meme is, and I don't want to know either right now. Too much to do at the moment without getting involved with that-all nonsense just now.) Hey, I don't know if you're a guy or lady or what either; I just realized. I assumed female-type; that's very wicked of me to do so.

Everybody has a body, right?
*Grin* I like you too much to corrupt you with the drama of the internet. *Gives Grue a wicked grin look if she's reading this* We've seen things.

I understand what you mean about a non-physical connection. I'm sure that if/when asexuality is explored more, future ace and demi teens will have books written for them that describe these feelings so they can piece them out. As it is now, all one can do is relate it to what we have available, which is, unfortunately "that means you wanna hit dat!" Which isn't exactly accurate, but I don't begrudge it. The people who say that are working with what they know, after all, because that's all one can really do in the end. It's right confusing. I find that entire paragraph semi-relatable in ways that I don't quite get myself. Funny how looks just don't matter... but that's a total tl;dr that's only suitable for PMing Nosey Nellies.

By the way, nothing you ever, ever, ever ask or say to me is going to bug, annoy, or offend because I know you don't mean to. So you can just cut that worry out forever.

Date: Friday, June 15th, 2012 12:16 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] theonlymeyouget.livejournal.com
I'm cis female and I'm straight. Unless you're Scarlett Johansson. Then I'm totally bi.

Although, I'm a tomboy because fuck gender, that's why. I can be a woman without Performing Femininity (though I can) and anybody who has a problem with that can bite me.

For me, anyway, looks matter. But not all that much. Unless you're downright repulsive with horrible personal hygiene, odds are good I'll find something attractive about you (the Royal You, not you specifically, although you too, of course).

And I'd like a physical connection. Although it either ends up being Let's Have Sex (which I don't generally want) or Let's Have a Relationship (which I also don't generally want). I need a makeout buddy, is what I need. I guess even that, for me, is more about emotional connection/comfort/bonding than it is about sex though to...

Date: Thursday, June 14th, 2012 01:19 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] sugar-for-sugar.livejournal.com
SERIOUSLY!

That "zomg virgin sexxorz" stuff grinds my gears. What I hate the most is when the guy knows somehow that she's a virgin. NO, THERE'S NOT A WAY FOR YOU TO KNOW THAT, SORRY ASSBUTTS.

My first time? Didn't hurt and didn't bleed. I've bled during sex since then, but somehow my partner didn't think I was a virgin (maybe because by then he'd already had sex with me a bunch of times, by jove!).

I honestly think I never even had a hymen. Some women don't. Even that time I fell hard on the banana seat of my bike at just the wrong angle as a kid and was sore for days, I never bled. So I feel like the ceremonial ripping apart of the virginal curtain or whatever the fuck is so overplayed and it's twice as irritating because it's like they're trying to erase my experience and those of all the women like me (well, and basically anyone for whom it wasn't some magical lifechanging horseshit like these books espouse, so basically everyone).

Date: Thursday, June 14th, 2012 05:35 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] harpsi-fizz.livejournal.com
Ditto on the "erasing experience" thing. And I say that as a person who takes into account on every single story that "this story describes X's experience and so if X had it, it doesn't mean for everyone the same holds." That said, it's kinda as though* people from El Taerard's gen have one set way of thinking of things and I'm not sure if , when they sell us this stuff they A)are trying to say (scream) "This is so the norm that there's no point in calling it "norm" because there is no other way" or B) they genuinely don't realize that there are other experiences because they were never taught about it. I can forgive B a lot more because it's not their fault that people withheld information from them. I mean shoot, I know what it's like.

And at the same time, that just bugs me more about El's fanfic! Writers have something of a responsibility to research if they're going to put something out there, or at least convey in some way that "this here is not ok" or at the very least not romanticize it. Put in something , some kinda outsider refrencing the fucked-uppedness. Or was that "blip two likes sex" part supposed to do that? Yuck.

*I realize how pigeon-holing that is and that obviously not everyone from that gen is hive-minded and that there were people who broke free otherwise you and I would not have the resources and opportunities we see today. Also, comment from my phone, so please excuse t

Date: Thursday, June 14th, 2012 05:37 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] harpsi-fizz.livejournal.com
*AHEM* Please excuse the borked-ness that is. Of the comment.

Date: Saturday, June 16th, 2012 08:46 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] theonlymeyouget.livejournal.com
Honestly, MOST women don't have a hymen by the time they have sex. Either from masturbation, tampons, sports, etc. So it's not that unusual.

My first wasn't OMG AGONY. I bled a TINY bit. It wasn't what I'd call comfortable, but it wasn't exactly painful either.

And mine was just... nice. He was a good friend, but not a boyfriend. Someone I trusted. We knew what it was and what it wasn't and honestly, for what happened to some of my friends, I was DAMNED fortunate to have someone like him in my life.

I was 16 and he was 21 and shut up haters (not anyone here) because I knew EXACTLY what I was doing. Nobody took advantage of anybody. We'd fooled around to varying degrees most of the summer, I had a bad day - a REALLY bad day - a couple days before Halloween and went up to his place and it just felt right. It wasn't that he took advantage of me while I was emotionally vulnerable. It was just... honestly what I needed at the time.

I still talk to him. Found him on FB. He's married now with 2 daughters and I couldn't be happier for him. We'd have never worked. I don't really work with anybody. Not like that. I have friends (which are worth their weight in gold), and occasionally an FWB and I like my life how it is. It's MY life. And with my half-backward sexual orientation, just... better off single.

He asked me once, after we first reconnected, if he messed me up for life, and I was like "Are you kidding? It might not have been perfect at the time... but it WAS perfect. I was just too young to see it. So were you." And he agreed.

I guess I loved him, in the way a 16 year old can love, and I'm glad it was him.

But there was no Perfect Romance on Prom Night, the earth didn't move, it wasn't a Horrible Thing I've Spend My Life Trying To Forget, it was just two people.

Date: Thursday, June 14th, 2012 03:09 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] guardians-song.livejournal.com
*bursts out laughing* I knew this would be good as soon as I saw your title for the book.

Speaking of Deleterius, the book is being torn to shreds in detail over here:
http://das-sporking.livejournal.com/tag/fic%3A%20fifty%20shades%20of%20grey

Unfortunately, they're tearing it apart in such detail that they're only up to Chapter 5 so far, but the mockery's a good read. So far, they've renamed the 'hero' Gaston (after the villain in Beauty and the Beast), termed every Bella-influence "Belladonna Poisoning", and repeatedly commented that it all would make much more sense if 'Gaston' was actually a serial killer.

Example excerpt from the sporking:
"He said he likes his women sentient. He’s probably not celibate then.

KET: Can you imagine if he didn’t like his women sentient? He’d be fucking all manner of things—trees. Statues. Septic tanks.

GEHAYI: Picnic tables. Automobiles."

So head on over! Ought to amuse you.

(Also -
"2.The line he has about "my mother was a crackwhore, go to sleep." Alright, if that was supposed to be unintentionally hilarious then maybe. This book is so bad that I don't even want to give it the dignity of suggesting that the crackwhore line was explaining that the crack affected him in the uterus, so his behavior is due to crack interfering with his brain development."
*sporfle* Gad, if only this was the explanation for every Mary-Sue and Gary-Stu's behavior. It might actually make them slightly pitiable.

...Nah.)

Date: Thursday, June 14th, 2012 12:43 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] harpsi-fizz.livejournal.com
Will comment properly when I'm at home, not on my phone, but let me say this: I think I found the formula for being able to enjoy listening to this book. I need to listen to a dramatic reading wherein someone reads all of Gass-ton's lines like Beevis or Butthead. It would make more sense.

Scratch that- it would make it tolerable. Enough to get through.

Date: Thursday, June 14th, 2012 03:33 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] bella-cheval.livejournal.com
I wouldn't even use the pages out of that piece of junk to line my bird's cages.

Date: Thursday, June 14th, 2012 07:39 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] acaciakitty.livejournal.com
All kinds of people around me were like "OMG this book is so gooooood, it's such a luuuuuv story" and kept shoving it in my face, so I agreed to borrow a copy. I got roughly a third of the way in, then kinda skimmed the rest of it. Everyone singing the praises of this crap were extra sad when they asked me how I liked it and I made this face: >:|
(deleted comment)

Date: Thursday, June 14th, 2012 11:05 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] harpsi-fizz.livejournal.com
Glamorizing the loss of virginity is the least of the horrible things it glamorizes by far. By far. It's ... indescribable. Just look at any Ohnotheydidn't post about the book and you'll see. It's just icky!

Edit: You must read this thread! (http://ohnotheydidnt.livejournal.com/69663818.html?thread=12145473354#t12145473354)
Edited Date: Thursday, June 14th, 2012 11:15 pm (UTC)

Date: Friday, June 15th, 2012 12:08 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] barsukthom.livejournal.com
The EMPEROR does NOT approve of that book.

And I suspect that THIS is how He would react.

Date: Friday, June 15th, 2012 02:09 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] avidbeader.livejournal.com
I well remember coming across 9 1/2 Weeks in a bookstore during my college years. Thanks for bringing back some fond memories. My dislike for the Sleeping Beauty trilogy stems more from my dislike of Anne Rice's writing style rather than the content.

I have not read Fifty Shades of Grey and I do not intend to. I don't want to send my eyes out of my head from the eye-rolling that would ensue.

Date: Monday, June 25th, 2012 09:26 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] queelez.livejournal.com
Oh, you want my reactions? Okay, cool.

http://queelez.tumblr.com/tagged/fifty-shades-of-ace

BAM

Date: Monday, June 25th, 2012 09:47 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] harpsi-fizz.livejournal.com
I do wanna see your reaction!
And at the same time, I'm sad that you had to see that book at all. :( You, the English Teacup, having to have that sludge poured into you. Damn that El Terrardo, and a pox on her house.

SPOILER ALERT!

Date: Tuesday, June 26th, 2012 11:56 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] harpsi-fizz.livejournal.com
There's a certain sex scene in the "book" that you will get to, and when you get to it, there is a gif you must use. I won't spoil it for you. The gif is right here (http://ohnotheydidnt.livejournal.com/69663818.html?thread=12145435210&#t12145435210) along with the text (kinda). I'll give you a hint- the sex scene takes places near a toilet. In the original fanfiction, the toilet wasn't mentioned, though, and this gif refrences it. It's not a gross gif, though, I promise. No toilet substances whatsoever mentioned.

Date: Thursday, July 12th, 2012 09:06 pm (UTC)From: [personal profile] lokifan
lokifan: black Converse against a black background (Default)
this book won't directly cause bad BDSM relationships the way SoG could/will. It's pure fantasy and it doesn't hesitate to remind.

Idk, I actually think 50 Shades is fantasy - I mean, romance novels in general are sort of designated fantasy-space for readers in a similar way to fanfic. Habitual romance readers, anyway, wouldn't take anything in romance as a how-to guide, even though obvs it does influence what's thought of as attractive.

The sex in that book... it was so boring. So so so boring. Although I did LOL at the part where his cock is poking out of the bathwater like the Loch Ness Monster :D

Date: Friday, July 13th, 2012 04:07 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] harpsi-fizz.livejournal.com
The key word being "habitual". This book's gone beyond that little sub-fandom, unfortunately, and on to people that (this is really hard to fathom) didn't know that BDSM and Sex books existed. I mean, did you see that quote up there from that tumblr? That person was speaking from a "this is the pioneer of its kind because OMG it's got something we never heard of before- Kink, u gaiz!. I hate to sound like an alarmist, but just this week in school, I swear I am not making this up, I was kinda "cornered" by three of my well meaning but Top 40* classmates who, through one thing leading to another found out about my orientation and were trying to wrap their heads around how an asexual could possibly exist. Bless them, but they did it in the only way they knew how, which was "what? No! I shall cure you! There must be something you like!" and one of them got this look on her face like she had the most brilliant idea and asked "Have you read Fifty Shades of Gray?!" Not only that, but in every post about this book that appears on ONTD, there are posters lamenting over friends and family members not shutting up about the sex it's inspired.

It goes without saying that Punished and Pink by *ahem* runs circles around her attempt at writing an *ahem* scene. I honestly stopped after reading just one of her *ahem* scenes, and I honestly wish I hadn't read it. It'd be just like my troll brain to bring it up whenever I tried to read or, God forbid, while *ahem* was eminent. You're the only one who knows my secret that I am Spiderman

*I don't know what quick adjective to use here, honestly. They're just... very well established in the majority of society. Calling them "normal" sounds so pretentious of me and calling them "mainstream" is as well. I don't mean it as a character judgement- I've grown rather fond of them. They just so happen to have the majority of their interests align with the majority of popular society's interests. ... They're "Facebook" types, not Livejournal. If we didn't live in New York and we all visited, they'd go to Times Square, a Broadway show, and shopping while you and I would somehow stumble upon a lesbian-run Lolita cafe during free-henna-and-OTK night. Not even trying, just... naturally. Y'know?
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