Smells Like Garbage!

Wednesday, June 13th, 2012 10:17 pm[personal profile] harp
harp: (Fear of Dark)
This is a reply to a friend's entry about the "book" series Fifty Shades of Twatlight Fanfiction written by a Despie Loser For Whom the Guillotine Would Be Too Swift. I mean Fifty... no. Not going to sully my page by writing that here.

For those of you familiar with the BS series 50SoG, I encourage you to comment with your thoughts on the series. A good long cathartic complaint.

Oh, juvenile?! The immaturity of this book went beyond the "sex" scenes. Isn't it weird that I somwhow managed to be equally annoyed by this? I must count the ways.

1. That line where he tells her how much money he makes. "I make a thousand dollars a minute" or someshyte like that? That doesn't even sound like something twelve year old me would write in some of my most flaggarantly self indulgent Team Rocket fanfiction. Even I knew better!

2.The line he has about "my mother was a crackwhore, go to sleep." Alright, if that was supposed to be unintentionally hilarious then maybe. This book is so bad that I don't even want to give it the dignity of suggesting that the crackwhore line was explaining that the crack affected him in the uterus, so his behavior is due to crack interfering with his brain development.

3. The use of the f-word. I'm about to remind myself of Mrs. Doyle (TV show "Father Ted"):

"Well, I'm very surprised to hear that, father. I didn't think you'd like that sort of thing. I read a bit of one of them once. God, I couldn't finish it. The language, unbelievable!"

"It's a bit gritty, but that's the modern world, Mrs. Doyle."

"Ah, it's a bit much for me, father. "Feck" this and "feck" that. "You big bastard". Oh, dreadful language! "You big hairy arse", "You big fecker". Fierce stuff! And of course, the f-word, father, the bad f-word. Worse than "feck" - you know the one I mean. "Eff you". "Eff your 'effin' wife". Oh, I don't know why they have to use language like that. "I'll stick this 'effin' pitchfork up your hole", oh, that was another one, oh, yes! "Bastard" this and "bastard" that, you can't move for the bastards in her novels! It's wall-to-wall bastards! "You bastard!" You fecker!" "You bollocks!" "Get your bollocks out of my face!" It was terrible."

El Terardo (that's what I'm calling E.L because the name "James" is very near and dear to me and I won't use it on that useless woman) uses that word like a 90's sixth grader who just discovered the internet. What was that one thing he said? "Stop biting you mouth or I'll f*ck it" he said? Is that supposed to be sexy? 'Cause it sounds like Bevis and Butthead tried to write a sex novel. I'm not trying being facetious; that's the caliber of this immaturity. "You have such beautiful breasts Ana. One day I'll f*ck them" Does he keep talking like this? Reminds me of background boy 2 in every first panel of this Storyline of Sexy Losers his dialogue keeps getting more and more gratuitous to the point where it's literally incomprehensible nonsense. Neveryoumind how I know this, but I swear, even the "writer" LurkingDragon (whom you can just tell writes his rough drafts one-handed if you know what I mean), in his most these-sexy-words-aren't-doing-it-for-me-anymore-and-the-solution-is-MORE-SEXY-WORDS and I'm-just-trying-to-cram-in-one-more state was better written than this. And that's really saying something about El Terardos' work when it's comparable to the self indulgence of ol' Lurky Dee.

4. (This might not be a legit conplaint but lookit all the effs I give) Ana being 21. I'm sorry but that just smecked of the author pining to be younger and live out the older man/younger woman trope, er, I mean fantasy. There's an equation for this, you know: Character age x (the situation + actions and decision making process taken in response) divided by the author's age = self indulgence percentage.

In this case, El Dumbass doesn't realize how unlikely all this shit is and you get the sense that if she could have gotten away with it she'd make Ana 18. She obviously went with 21 because it was "old enough to be legal-ish and just barely scraping onto the "plausible" scale with the stuff she had, but not quite old enough for her to be taken seriously as an adult". TELL ME I'M WRONG.

Maybe it's just my shaky grasp on the real world, but it looks to me like she's really disproportionate in where she's put together and where she's no brighter than a box of rocks. A box of rocks that's oh, also a never-been-kissed virgin? That kills me. Dear E.L Despie, has it been that long (both since your first time and since you got any) that you think the deflowering is really that good or have you been watching too many teen romance movies? Seriously? Especially with a totally incompetent partner? Again, I don't have a positive frame of reference [1] and I'm probably way out of bounds saying this, but seriously, I don't think That First Time is all flower petals and romance music and Artful Edits. Reminds me of what someone wrote in a deleterius entry about the ignorance of some (not all) young writers: "Yes, because as an "unripped" virgin, that's what you want: the world's biggest cock knockin' on your downstairs door."

I'll give the summary of 9 1/2 weeks a read. For my money, and this is bias as f*ck, my all time favorite bdsm book was the one a really nice soldier recommended to me when I was in 11th grade- The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty[2]. I remember with pristine clarity being in my school uniform and taking the book out in the car to sneak a look at the first page, turning it and being surprised that there was sex on the second page. Must have been like Margaret Cho's mother. "It was just ass right away! I wasn't ready for that! I thought there'd be table of contents, then ass!"

But that book is great. As though I have to list its virtues. I will anyway- the setting is beautiful (velvet coverlets, dirt paths, knights, princesses, candelabras, stone floors) the language is classy (except partway through, she switches from the P-word to the rooster-word for the male reproductive part) there are male and females on both the dominant and submissive side, and everyone is bisexual to the point where (and this is amazing to see, but you have to read the book to fully get what an impact it has) there is literally no such thing as gay/straight. Everyone unhesitatingly gets off with anyone who catches their fancy. Or, for the subs, whoever starts their engine. Here I am a male slave, oh this guy is sticking it in me, HOT OH YEAH, oh this lady wants to fuck me OH YEAH HOT, another lady? OH YEAH HOT, her husband wants in? HOT HOT HOT. See how seamlessly bisexuality flows in this world? A woman slave could be getting the business from five guys in a row and displaying utter love for them and then one female comes along and instantly she's displaying love and admiration for that female's femininity, too. And it's like that with everyone in the book. Finally, even though it's fucked up, it's not the imitable kind of fucked up. Even the most mind-numbingly stupid 50SoG fan who reads this wouldn't be able to hurt themselves with this book because the fairytale setting plus the medieval motif plus the way the slave system is set up makes it clear that this is a fairytale kingdom where this is how things work out, so unless they want to build a time machine or go find a real life prince, this book won't directly cause bad BDSM relationships the way SoG could/will. It's pure fantasy and it doesn't hesitate to remind.

Which is why it pisses me off that the readers of this pos are acting like its good and innovative and the first thing EVAR. I know theyre just too stupid to know better, but... its like watching people eating twinkiez that fell on the floor and got stepped on and declaring "this is the best thing ever!!!" and i'm over here with Cheesecake Factory vanilla cheesecake with truffles and delicate fudge design on a silver plate like "you fecking dumbasses! Oh GOD YOU IDIOTS!

**For the rest of my F-List's Humor** Worse, there are people who actually have the nerve, the f**king nerve, Catflappo, to get all soap-boxy indignant omgpersecutionnn when people call the book shyte. No, I mean it. (Warning: the following quote from fiftyshadesanonymous.tumblr contains life-threatening levels of stupid):

"I wish everyone would quit wincing every time Fifty Shades is mentioned.
Yes, I believe everyone gets that the book explores things outside of our everyday-sexual-box… but could we please grow up? Stop trying to defend that you are some innocent prude. I bet you dream about Grey’s kinky fuckery all the time."

#Look out! We got ourselves a badass over here! #OOOH I'M SO EDGY! #One Book Expert #I can't; I'm Done #Silence, Noob, lest my brick find the back of your head #Seriously, someone needs to go up one side of your head and down the other

But I cannot with the "50SoG is worse than Twilight" (grammar for emphasis). I just can't bring myself to accept that I live in a world where a "worse than Twilight" can exist, therefore, I assert that Twilight still is the worst thing. Because Twilight spawned this... this. Without it, this would just be another "blah" horrid fanfic or airport smut book. But this is a fusion of that and the horror of 'light. So in a way, Twatlight's still the worst thing in the world, and SoG is just adding tacky mud flaps and neon undersiding for optimal viewing of the ugliness even when its dark and truck n-- well, you know.

Again, there's no real good way to look at it. I've just blinded us with vinegar. Marginally better still counts as "better"!

[1] Depending 100% on your personal dictionary, that is. This tapestry in the Harp's Life series is M.C Escher levels of technicalities, believe me.
*My friendship with that guy makes me super happy that El Despie is not authoring my life. Then again, if she was, she'd probably have me in a sari the whole time and have a subplot about an arranged marriage. Tres Moron!
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