harp: (LolWut?)
John William Warde - DeathAndReality.com

I've been going here lots lately. It's really graphic stuff, so aside from that article, don't go searching the page unless you want a lot of colored photographs of re-e-eally graphic deaths.

Thanks, Idolhands, for the nudge. I've been meaning to get back here at least to get back to ONTDCreepy, my favorite community. I just haven't wanted to write anything in my journal. Massive, massive depression going on. They have me going to therapy five days a week now; no joke. Some upstate program called PROS. It was this or get locked up in the hospital again. Yeah, that happened, too, from December 20th to the 26th back in 2013. There's no internet in the hospital. How are you supposed to live like that? Not even a radio to distract you while you try to sleep, so the bad thoughts just keep coming and oh, it's just a mess. But I did meet three really nice people. I've gotta e-mail one of them again. She's such a great lady. I really hope she's ok.

Date: Monday, January 26th, 2015 05:56 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] madderbrad.livejournal.com
I was wondering where you were 3-4 months ago when a 'HP reunion' of sorts was held on LJ; I kept expecting you to turn up. I'm sorry to read of your depression.

The lack of internet or radio at such a hospital just doesn't make sense; one would think they'd prefer to keep patients (mentally) busy, derailing the bad thoughts of the status quo, as you say.

I hope things improve for you; hang in there!

Date: Monday, January 26th, 2015 11:19 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] harpsi-fizz.livejournal.com
The thing about depression is that it robs a person of most, if not all, of their interests. You don't want to do anything, don't want to go anywhere, don't want anything. Everything is a gray blob of "I'm not interested and I don't care". I haven't been drawing, reading, doing art projects, engaging in fandom, none'a that. Lots of disengaging activities, like staring at Youtube.

Yeah, the radio thing is part of the "no self harm/harming others" thing, I'm sure. I remember one hospital I was in when I was 16. They stopped letting patients have picture frames shortly before I got there because some girl broke her room mate's picture frame and used the edges to cut herself up. Some of them get pretty desperate to self-harm. I nevr had that problem, personally.

Thank you, Brad :]

Date: Monday, January 26th, 2015 11:28 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] theidolhands.livejournal.com
I've done some struggling myself with depression, although I've never been formally treated, and that's all really true. Perfectly stated.

Date: Monday, January 26th, 2015 06:57 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] guardians-song.livejournal.com
Damn. I thought you'd just dropped off LJ (understandable, we all do sometimes). I'm sorry to hear you've been doing poorly.

I hope matters improve for you.

Date: Monday, January 26th, 2015 11:21 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] harpsi-fizz.livejournal.com
It's ok, Guardian. LJ is the one place left that I know of with word exchanges like this, so I'd never fully leave it. I just sometimes don't update because I don't want to chronicle the bad times, in case I go back to relive them.

Date: Monday, January 26th, 2015 06:02 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] theidolhands.livejournal.com
I'm so sorry to hear that although I welcome the update, too often it's the really intelligent and fascinating people who suffer depression.

Considering that music has been shown to stimulate even previously catatonic patients(from senility to Alzheimer's)...that does sound absurd.

In 17 hours they couldn't get a rig set up before he jumped? Also, am I the only one that gets GRAPHIC porn ads on that link??
Edited Date: Monday, January 26th, 2015 06:06 pm (UTC)

Date: Monday, January 26th, 2015 11:10 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] harpsi-fizz.livejournal.com
It's because we can't have anything in our rooms that we could use to hurt ourselves or anyone else, I'm sure. The rooms are depressingly suicide-proof. No strings, no sharp edges, nothing heavy that's liftable, nothing to suspend from, nothing to ingest, no windows capable of being open, nothing. Even the sink was this modern molded basin thing too shallow to drown in and with no way to fill the basin.

Is there? I have super aggressive Adblock, so I never saw that. Jeez... I'm sorry you had to see that.

Date: Monday, January 26th, 2015 11:18 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] theidolhands.livejournal.com
Ah. I had forgotten to think of that...but dials on a wall...something.

Even the sink was this modern molded basin thing too shallow to drown in and with no way to fill the basin. Man. I suppose that's good though because we do want people to get better, but it's another one of those things I never thought of.

Have you been forced to drop out of school then? I see your interest in the science and facts of death still prevail, although I didn't realize it was also a personal medical concern. I respected your interest in your field of study.

Date: Monday, January 26th, 2015 11:30 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] harpsi-fizz.livejournal.com
No, I graduated and took and passed the boards that June. I'm ready for the internship. Mental health stuff was going poorly in school, actually. First semester I got into some annoying trouble because some classmates and I were discussing some exam and I mentioned that I'd kill myself if I failed out. One of them was like "Don't joke like that" and I informed her that I was not, that death was the only other option if I failed this because I'd have nothing.

So of course she went and told on me and they sent me to a therapist, but I told them what they needed to hear because (and they didn't understand this) I did not have time for a mental breakdown. I knew I had some stuff, but it'd take forever and in the end, I'd have nothing to look forward to but returning to school and it'd be a whole thing. At least now I can get help finding work.


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