Tyrarr and Harp visit the Weird Section of Amazon

[harp]

Harpsiccord:I gotta google that first so I can remember
NopeNopeNopeNope not googling nothing from our talks ever again nopenopenope I ended up in the weird part of Amazon.com
TehTyrarr: LOL
WHAT
what did you find
Harpsiccord: I don't wanna tell you or you will hate cereal
TehTyrarr: ....
cosby....
swearter?
Harpsiccord: No...
Bad fiction.
Now /anyone/ can write it.
Harpsiccord: Ok, not bad, I take it back
Just... really... self indulgent.
Harpsiccord: Started there anyway.
Thanks to "customers also viewed this" I ended up at titles such as "There's a Demon in My Butt!" and
Harpsiccord: and holy SHIT there are a /LOT/ of stories about "human dairies"
DaFuq man DaFUQ
I half wanna read one just to know what the hell kinda narrative is in them
And half of the descriptions involve "special potion"



TehTyrarr: wtf lol
demon in my butt
Harpsiccord: Yeah that one's about um...
Gay porn star who leaves the industry and is going to go ex-gay, but then there's a demon in his...
I don't ...
JezusfloppingChrist http://www.amazon.com/Feeding-the-Farm-Hands-ebook/dp/B00CB719H8/ref=pd_sim_kstore_5
TehTyrarr: wtf fetishists
Harpsiccord: Amazon, you show me the title "Forced while She Sleeps 2: Streching her" and then you put Dot Dot Dot like you really think I wanna know what comes next after that string of words
TehTyrarr: ....
Harpsiccord: I know it ain't gonna be "budget"
TehTyrarr: "trust us. its good"
NO AMAZON
NO IT ISNT
Harpsiccord: Just the "warning" part of that link I sent you is...
I'm trying to be open minded and all your kink is not my kink whatever, but that description makes me wanna Snarkapalooza
That "warning" I mean
TehTyrarr: xD
im sorry but
"KINKSHAMING" is just stupid
OH NO YOU MADE FUN OF ME CUZ I LIKE TO POOP IN DIAPERS
so fucking what
EVERYTHING IS NOT SACRED
NOT EVERYONE SHOULD BE EXPECTED TO PUT UP WITH YOUR SHIT
IF YOU DONT AWNT IT TO BE MADE FUN OF DONT SHARE IT OUTSIDE YOUR HAPPY LITTLE KINKCIRCLE
Harpsiccord: Exactly. Sex isn't a really dignified act to begin with.
TehTyrarr: /raeg
This
Harpsiccord: I suppose I should go in and say "Well you're all just sex-having weirdos to me with your sex drives and your sex having. Freaks. -Love Asexual" (Troll-lol-lol-lol-lol)
TehTyrarr: xD
keep in mind
the same ppl who are going to scream KINKSHAME
are the same ppl who will tell you
that you arent asexual
you just havent had the right sex yet
http://www.smackjeeves.com/comicprofile.php?id=78356 you need this in your life btw
Harpsiccord: "Well I was /gonna/ but talking to you made me even more asexual, I demand reparations D<"
Man, there's even tentacle erotica in The Weird PArt of Amazon
I'd buy it and read it but I don't want that shytt on my credit card
TehTyrarr:what you're referring to?
TehTyrarr:(is it butts?)
Harpsiccord: (Might involve them)
TehTyrarr: yay butts/


Harpsiccord: "Will fertile Allison’s drug-induced horniness be enough to overcome the terror of being tied down and impregnated while dozens of doctors and investors watch, day after day after day?"
Just...
TehTyrarr: wtfff
Harpsiccord: That is an ebook.
TehTyrarr: i worry about ppl who write that shit lol
Harpsiccord: And if you can believe it, the sentence leading to it makes it make LESS sense
TehTyrarr: how many bodies are in their basements
Harpsiccord: "Young Allison has been the test subject for an experimental libido-enhancing serum for months now. When the head doctor informs her that their tests are completed, she’s worried about her only source of income suddenly vanishing. But the drug’s wealthy investors have one last demand before it can be released to the market: they need to know its effects on conception and pregnancy—and they want to observe the process every step of the way."
TehTyrarr: wtf lmao
Harpsiccord: Alright... Firstly, if she's willing why do they have to tie her down?
Second, day after day?
TehTyrarr: yeah lmao
Harpsiccord: Third, DOZENS of doctors and MANY wealthy benefactors, and ONE test subject?
Fourth, they're gonna release it on the market? Do they not think the FTC is gonna want to see their research and results?
You gonna use technical terminology in your lab report for "tied her down and had our crack scientists sex her up"?
TehTyrarr: omgggg lol
Harpsiccord: Let's just ignore the obvious question which is "Are you an actual Doctor, or a doctor like Dr. Pepper?"
TehTyrarr: Dr Peppers...
dr... brian... peppers.
Harpsiccord: nope.jpg
TehTyrarr: smiledog.jpg
Harpsiccord: Oh f*ck there's excerpts...
A glass walled room, hu? Convenient.
“Then perhaps you should have read the contract more closely, Ms. Heartly.”
Bulletproof.
TehTyrarr: wtf lmao
Harpsiccord: She goes to a judge and says "they tied me up and raped me" all you gotta do is say "it was in the contract"
See how that holds up in court
TehTyrarr: Im p sure Armin Meiws had a contrac ttoo...
he got in a lot of trouble for eating that man's penis..
Harpsiccord: If it were TV, he'd hold up the contract and smile, the camera would hold on him, and then it'd jump-cut to him in the same position behind bars, just holding up the contract
TehTyrarr: with a big anime grin.
Harpsiccord: "Some lawyer you are. Where'd you go to school?!"
"Same place you went to doctor school"
"... Right, right"
TehTyrarr: Taught by Nancy Grace!


Harpsiccord: I have to show you this because you're an artist and a photoshop genious
http://www.amazon.com/Doctors-Naughty-Virgin-Patient-ebook/dp/B00BQMEFHA/ref=pd_sim_kstore_7
The covers of these f*cking eBooks
TehTyrarr: ckskjdfsjs
Harpsiccord: Oh man, ALL of this Jo D Smith's covers!
TehTyrarr: omfg
why

Harpsiccord: The worst part about the title "Her First Delicate Piercing 3" is that it means there is a one and two.
TehTyrarr:thats a ...
how can it be her first....
if its her third...
Harpsiccord: ... Another worst part. Means there might be different "her"s
TehTyrarr: oh god
Harpsiccord: Oh, good, there's a part four.
TehTyrarr: what kind of peircing parlor IS this
TehTyrarr: Ears? Oh no.
we dont do
ears
Harpsiccord: Truly the last thing I wanted to see was that in Part THREE of this series the description reads "Jenny is terrified, especially when John does something to drive her to the brink."
TehTyrarr: WHATTTT
BRINK OF WHAT
OH CHRIST
Harpsiccord: So that means that the really bad stuff doesn't start until now?
OH GOOD THERE'S AN EXCERPT
... OH GOOD THE STORY IS WRITTEN IN PRESENT TENSE
TehTyrarr: LNmd.sa,md
Harpsiccord: OH BETTER the author uses terms like "startling green irises" and "she reckons" outside of character dialogue!
Billy. John. Jenny. Such creative names
Wait, wait wat
Check it out
"Her feet are rooted to the spot, as is her tongue."
TehTyrarr:either she's vry short
or has a long tongue
Harpsiccord: What's her tongue doing anywhere near her feet?
TehTyrarr: maybe thats her delicate peircing
Harpsiccord: Big bro, what is this sentence mean?
"It occurs to her that as the sky darkens and night blankets the hemisphere, the apartment dwellers outside would be able to see more and more of whatever they are revealing in here."
TehTyrarr: tell me when they call eyes orbs


Harpsiccord:"he reckons that is his favorite armchair, from the faded seat upon which he probably grinds his backside in every day."
Really?
REALLY?
Who...
TehTyrarr: ...
grinds
his backside
in
does he have a sofa fetish
Harpsiccord: No, what he has is "He has the look of curious languor on his intense features" (very next sentence)
TehTyrarr: ....curious.
is that
klingon???
Harpsiccord: The Klingons are too dignified a race to have words for stuff like this.

Harpsiccord: Oh WTF it says the author is a best seller?!
Harpsiccord: I'm glad you're here, because you save me the trouble of talking to the air when I read these excerpts. Right now I'd be asking "Alright, does she /have/ to be naked for that? I think she doesn't" out loud.
TehTyrarr: xDDD
you still should

Harpsiccord: Aagh... A... ahh... Ty? I'm going to go lay down and watch some Best Friends Play, but... but before I do I just need to share with you
ONE last. Final
most terrible pain.
TehTyrarr: go for it
Harpsiccord: Brace yourself...
"Now, instead of thrashing against her
restraints, she was pressing against them, churning with sexual desire.

She thrust her hips forward, which made her bountiful breasts sway back and forth on her chest. "Please. Hank, Justin, someone! Help me!" Her moans were loud and long, bellowing moo sounds that reverberated beyond the kitchen. "Milk me!" she cried. "Milk - moo!"
TehTyrarr: lmaldkasjldj
Harpsiccord: No Please
That's... that's too much.
TehTyrarr: OH MAN NO
NOOO
/crying
Harpsiccord: try not to think about the fact that "Retired Grandpa Gangbang: Virgin Teen Impregnated By The Old Neighbor And Friends" is a book that exists on amazon.
TehTyrarr: ....
nightmares.
Harpsiccord: Many
TehTyrarr: niiiiiightmaaaaares
old man wang everywhere

Le end

Comments

[bella-cheval.livejournal.com]

(Looks at link)

BRAIN BLEACH, I NEED BRAIN BLEACH.

[harpsi-fizz.livejournal.com]

Which link? Share. It's fun. That's what this is, a share party.

[vincent-kinneas.livejournal.com]

...Aaaaaaaaand there's a great entry to read first thing in the morning. Remind me to stop checking lj before I've had breakfast.

Seriously, some people are fucking weird. Human dairy? REALLY?! And the dialogue excerpt about the 'languor' grinding his backside... Ugh. Just ugh.

[harpsi-fizz.livejournal.com]

Give it a few days in your mind and see what turns up. I wanna know if your mind... well, I don't want to influence or spoil it, but I'm curious to see how your brain...

[vincent-kinneas.livejournal.com]

Only thing that turned up with regards to 'human dairy'; vampires treating humans like cattle for blood, some kind of soylent green-ish dystopian future, and possibly aliens doing something similar to us. All in all, either horror or dark sci-fi, NOT fun-sexy-time-kink in any way I can get into my head. Which is probably a good thing.

[harpsi-fizz.livejournal.com]

Really? 'Cause after a few days, it just started seeming practical to me. Not in the kinky-sex-having way, and definitely not with all the kidnapping and stuff.

... Back in 07', I had an RP character (16) whose mother nursed him until he was four. There were fifteen minutes spent off topic making my RP partner squick-laugh talking about how her character would probably stop by for lunch any chance he got.

Ahhhhh... your thing about the aliens reminded me of that. ... Not because they were aliens, but because, you know, the nursing thing and because there are a number of alien stories in that "related" section. The humans aren't primarily used for food in those stories, though. ... Ever heard of extreme pregnancy? I had not.

[gala-apples.livejournal.com]

*wipes away tears of laughter*

[harpsi-fizz.livejournal.com]

I was hoping you'd see this <3 I know you're active in fandom and exchanges and have seen all sorts of this stuff.

Also, on a srs note, I hope I don't come across as "kink shaming" because like I hinted at up there, when it comes to sex, once you go there (intercourse) everything else is pretty much a lateral move. And, you know, you've seen my horrific Ron Abuse series.

[gala-apples.livejournal.com]

Dude this is so not kink shaming. In my book kink shaming is walking straight up to someone, pointing in their face and going THAT THING YOU LIKE? THAT'S FUCKED UP. Your post wasn't going to be read by anyone who wrote those books. Also, besides, like you said, for an asexual it's basically all the same bucket of apples.

[sugar-for-sugar.livejournal.com]

Not only was this hilarious, but yay! A post from Harp! Good to "see" you. <3

[harpsi-fizz.livejournal.com]

I know, I know, I've been away and meaning to get back, but I haven't... I don't know how, you know?

[sugar-for-sugar.livejournal.com]

I know how you feel. *hugs* It's okay, I'm just glad you're all right!

My only kinda-bummer-feeling sometimes about LJ/DW is that I keep up with so few of my friends here in other ways, so when they take breaks from it (which, you know, is an important thing to do sometimes because we're people with lives and feelings and brains and etc.) I don't hear from them at all! I try to just relax about that when it happens, because again, totally understand, and it's not like people owe me anything. But of course I worry too, because I have a very overachieving worrybrain.